August 31, 2011

When Time Outruns Me

At 10:40 am, my baby girl will be 9 days old. 

Time is a funny thing – slow when you want it to rush by and quick when you wish things would never change.  My mom will tell you, I am the type of person who has always been in a hurry to reach the next milestone or to wish that a less-than-optimal chapter would pass.

Clara makes me want to run out and find the keeper of the clock and force him to slow down time.  For once, I don’t care so much that I am sleepy or that I haven’t had what the world would see as a “productive” day.  Now it seems that every moment disappears too fast.

I have cried more in the past week than I have at any other time in my life.  I have cried out in joy, in triumph, in pain, and in bittersweet happiness.  Call me a crazy mother, but I even cried when Clara’s meconium vanished.  I already miss that sticky, black poop – because it meant that Clara was brand new and all mine.

Only a few days ago, she was fresh from my womb, the place where only I could have her and where I could protect her from all of the misfortune of this imperfect world.

Now that she’s made her debut, I have to share her.  I can’t protect her from everything.  I can’t satisfy her every desire.  I have to let her grow up.

And I don’t want to.  


  1. You bring tears to my eyes. I too had to let my boys grow and now they're adults themselves. Now, I'm not wanting my grandson to grow and share him with the world. As we become the adult, it seems we forget that our parent's felt that way about us. Your mom hated to share you, let you grow into the beautiful adult that you've become and now that she realizes you've grown and moved on she receives a beautiful granddaughter and the cycle of feelings continue. It really is a beautiful thing. Enjoy every moment with Clara and take so many photo's you won't know what to do with them. One day you will sit and look at all those photo's and compare them to her child.

  2. Every time I read your blog I want to be a mother. I have read your entries and they are amazing. To read your experience throughout this journey has been amazing. I know you are going to be a great mother. That little girl is all yours and you will be fabulous at keeping her safe and protected. She is very lucky to have you as her mom.

    <3 kaitlyn