Tale of Two Kierens

Nothing has satisfied me in the past two months like these delicious Swedish morsels.

Something oh-so-tragic happened over the weekend. Quintessential aspects of the Kieren that you all know and love have disappeared into thin air. It’s true, my friends. Along with my once tiny waistline, my love of shopping has also gone missing. Perhaps the two are connected?

Upon trying to return an article of clothing to the mall, I was offered 25% of my money back. Travesty! I was not about to be ripped off like that, especially after pulling the pregnancy card! I stuffed my clothes back into my yellow F21 bag and stomped out.

Speaking of Forever 21, the store of dreams and magic, I walked inside and felt dead. What happened to the days when I could drop $100 in scholarship money on short skirts, funny rings, and pink satchels? Those were the days before modesty and fat bellies, you see. Now, what was I to do in a store filled with so many cute and superfluous things, all being so inexpensive and tempting? With an air of defiance, I bought a pair of $1 earrings (with my debit card) and walked out with a huff.

Then I sat on a bench in the middle of the mall, like a grandpa waiting for his old lady. Only, I appeared to be both the old lady and the grandpa all at once.

This is what led me to the McDonald’s French fries, which also made a mockery out of me. They tasted terrible and reaffirmed my belief in Wendy's.  I ate that whole bag of French fries, though, just to show them who was boss. Meanwhile, the lemon and I mourned the caramel apple that I could have eaten instead.

It was a rather sad day at the mall.

In retrospect, I believe that the former Kieren is perhaps being held hostage by the villain that is food. He has invaded the fat Kieren’s every thought and action. It is true, nothing can stop her from eating, except for the undeniable urge to pee.

This is what happened on the Ikea date that the Kierens had together on Saturday. One Kieren ate 10 of 15 Swedish meatballs and all of her mashed potatoes; the other Kieren bought a door mat.

The battle continues. The lemon watches.