March 9, 2011

The Love of Husbands and Wives

Since I have a swimming pool in my stomach that demands to be refilled every 2 hours or so, I have been peeing enough to fill up Lake Roosevelt. I even pee in the middle of the night now! 22 years of not getting up in the night to use the restroom for nothing!

This new dependence on the bathroom has seriously affected our toilet paper supply. It seems like the roll runs out every five minutes.


While sitting on the toilet, I yelled to Husband, “Can you please get me some toilet paper?”

“No,” he said, without the slightest hint of amusement or alarm.

“What, why??” (Playing along at this point)

(Waiting patiently for my toilet paper hero)

“Wait, are you serious? Why not?”

“You always use the last of the toilet paper and never replace the roll.”

“I don’t do that!” I immediately exclaimed.

“Yes, you do. And every time that I need toilet paper, I have to get it myself.”

(I realized that there may be some truth to his statement. If so, I was very inconsiderate in my past life. After all, we know that boys use toilet paper for one thing and one thing only… And I would not want to be waddling around in search of paper products after that kind of event.)


“I’m sorry, can you please just get me some? I won’t do that anymore!”


(I seriously waited on the toilet for 3 more minutes and he didn’t even get out of bed!! If I bent over and perched precariously on the edge of the toilet, I could see him there, making passes at and totally ignoring the two people on the bathroom seat. Hello! It’s not just me in here!!)

Eventually, I succumbed to the waddle/run of shame. Pants around the knees, slightly bent over, rushing towards the hall closet, with a medium sized belly hanging out.