Curse of the Hubcaps

Many things in this world have a fondness for me, including body hair, head hair, elbows to the face during sleep, rollie pollies in the summertime, sunburns, moles, dirty dishes, and much more. As I look over this list, I wonder if anyone on Earth is as moley or hairy as me. I ponder this with pride, mind you.

There is one thing in this world that hates me, however, and that is hubcaps. I am serious. They see me coming and they head for the hills/side of the road at about 100 miles per hour.

Case #1 – The Baby Mazda was purchased (used) in 2006. It was missing the front right hubcap. Upon inquiring at the Mazda dealership about a replacement hubcap, I was met with shock and awe. It appeared that the Mazda gurus had never met a Hubcap Monster such as myself. They proceeded to tell me that they had never ordered a hubcap for a Mazda 3, not in all of Southern Arizona. With all the pretty college girls that drive Mazdas, you’d think at least one of them would have lost their hubcap before me. But, no, I am special.

Thus, the hubcap was replaced.

Case #2 – One day the new hubcap was there and the next day it vanished. I purchased a new hubcap and assumed all was well.

Case #3 – One day the new-new hubcap was there and the next day it vanished. A few days later, while driving home from work, I spotted my hubcap (it had to be!) on the side of the road, in the front yard of a house that butted up against campus. I rushed home, jumped on my girly bike, and pedaled my heart out. It felt like a miracle, finding that hubcap, like all of our trials might really be coming to some romantic climax. Sure enough, the hubcap was MINE! I proudly rode home, one hand on the handlebars, one hand proudly waving my trophy at passing cars.

The new-new hubcap survived another month or so, but it too, vanished into thin air. (Cue Unsolved Mysteries theme song)

Case #4 – (Can you believe how ridiculous this is?) I was too poor and lazy to replace the hubcap, when I knew that it was destined to fall off and be run over by some stupid Hummer or something. So, I postponed the new-new-new hubcap. I got married, convinced Husband to keep the Baby Mazda, and went on with my life. The poor clown car was not a clown car, it was a ghetto car. It belonged in a much worse neighborhood. The dent in the roof (another mystery) and the bb gun hole in the passenger side door made this a sad trio.

Then, I received an unexpected Christmas present from my jolly husband. Why, a new-new-new hubcap!! My joy, however, was tempered by our terrible history. This hubcap was not to be trusted. Thus, it was glued on to the Mazda, not just snapped with worthless little snaps that are obviously inefficient.

This brings us to last night. I was driving around some Beehives dressed in Cinco de Mayo outfits. (Let that one sink in. What do you see?) As I tried to turn around in the street, my front right tire went into a gutter. As we drove along, with the windows down, we began to hear a strange noise. The Beehives investigated and determined that the hubcap was to blame.

The emotion!!

At our next stop, the hubcap was hanging on by ONE Japanese crap snap. Shania asked if she could pull it off. I said yes and we placed it gently into the trunk.

In short, I refuse to deal with this enemy. I hand him over to the man who must become the master, the man who must tame the wild hubcap.

Good luck, Husband.