This post is mostly gibberish and crazy-talk.
After one too many phone calls to my mother, complaining about El Wrath De Clara, which is experienced if you stop holding her when she wants to be held (read: all day), my mom insisted that I get the baby swing out of storage.
Just like the pacifier, I was hesitant to introduce another mechanical mommy to my little girl. For some ridiculous reason, these modern day conveniences make me feel bad about myself. (I know, I am crazy.)
For instance, in true mom form, I have simultaneously wished that Clara would take a pacifier (to give me a break) and silently rejoiced when she rejects it for the cold piece of plastic that it is (knowing that she likes my "binky" better). Same with the bouncy chair.
So what about the swing?
I have been avoiding it, as it would either become another item of clutter or she would really (really) like it (too much).
It turns out that the swing is a keeper. She likes it so much, in fact, that she allowed me to shower and bake cookies today. I'll admit: it was awesome. But I still found myself staring at her as she swung back and forth, feeling a little bit lonely/useless/jealous/lazy/expendable/ungrateful.
I guess it's similar to the way I felt shortly after she was born: sad that I could no longer meet all of her needs and that I had to share her. What makes this worse, I guess, is that I am willingly giving up these moments to do something of lesser consequence, like brush my teeth.
Being a mom is hard, I guess.
And I'm sorry if this post made no sense. I just love her so much that it makes me irrational.
Dear Kieren,
ReplyDeleteI don't always get to read your blogs but when I saw the swing story I had to read it and write you a quick note...
Mandi was my 3rd baby. I had 2 wonderful little boys that never gave me too many sleepless nights. They woke up, nursed, and usually fell right back to sleep! I remember the first time Travis slept all night I was afraid to look into the bassinet the morning I woke up by myself... without being awaken by a baby noise, cry etc.
When Mandi came along I had about one easy week with her. She was fussy, mostly screaming (not exaggerating), and didn't sleep much. (unless I was holding her or laying down with her laying on my stomach) With 2 little boys 8 and 4 that just wasn't always possible. There were actually several times Kevin and I would get up, put 2 sleepy boys in their car seats plus a new born screaming banchi in her car seat and drive for a couple hours to no place in particular until Mandi would finally fall asleep) Needless to say I only nursed her about 6 weeks because I had 2 little boys that also needed my attention. I was working at the time and actually "extended" my maternity leave because I thought... oh my gosh, a babysitter will not be able to handle her!!!
You are doing everything right! You know your precious little Clara better than anyone!
I felt like you... the reason I read this particular blog is because of your title... "swing torture". It totally brought me back to Mandi and her infant days.
Like you... I could get nothing done during the day, no shower, no sleep during the night, and certainly no cooking or laundry ha ha.
The swing ended up being my saving grace. She felt better, and I certainly could catch a little break when needed. :) Sometimes I would find myself thinking.. they should make an adult size swing so that I could relax and nap! I promise you from experience that the swing will not hurt Clara. I'm so glad your Mom suggested that you get the swing out of storage!
I'm just reassuring you that you are doing an amazing job at being a new Mommy. :) I hope someday soon I can meet Clara. She is a beautiful little girl!
Love to you and Anson!
Judi Cartwright : )