Clara at Grandmother's

One Sleepy Baby

Sleep is such a funny thing when babies are involved.  For instance, they don't "sleep like babies."  As you can imagine, this came as quite a shock to me.  

Me, after three months of sleep deprivation:

What?!  Babies don't just go to sleep when they are tired?!

Clara and I have somewhat figured out the whole sleepy time thing, but actually, not really.  After an exhaustive study of Clara's sleepy cues, I head to her bedroom, flip off the lights, and lay down with her.  Sometimes (translation: rarely), she will nurse for a bit and fall asleep once she's had enough.  It's really a dream, I tell you.

Then there are the days where she can't decide whether she wants to nurse, suck her thumb, stare at the wall outlet, grab her toes, or rip my nose/lips/eyes off.  Usually, she experiments with fun combinations of these things all at once, all while nursing.  It's quite like boob acrobatics.  The milk circus, you could say.

Once I sneak away from my sleeping baby, the are quite a few questions that come to mind.

One:  Is she going to roll off the bed?

Two:  Is she going to stay asleep?

Three:  What should I snack on?

Obviously, the answer is YES.  

And finally, I come to the point of this post, which is to say, sometimes Clara doesn't want to wake up.  To be more correct, sometimes she wants to act like she's awake, but continue to sleep at the same time.

Also, she is seriously cute.

Guide to the After Hours

It's 6:30ish and the responsible mother in you says, "Right then, to the bathtub!"  You fill up a whale tub with warm water and place a turtle-shaped washcloth over a watermelon-shaped tummy.  You are trying to sustain optimum baby temperature, you see, and thereby avoid baby disapproval.

You use soap one day and none the next, to prevent dryness and other unfortunate skin maladies, as prescribed by the good Dr. Google.  Then, you wrap your little piranha in a towel and whisk her to the changing table, polish her with baby lotion, wrap up the little bum, and dress her in footie pajamas.  

This informs the baby that it's bedtime, does it not?  DOES IT NOT?  (Or so someone said.)

Then it's rock, rock, rock in the rocking chair and read, read, read the book.  Why, this week a talking donkey told some Balaam dude to bless God's people, not curse them.  I mean, really, does this not invoke the bedtime environment and sleep dust and sheep jumping over fences?  Tomorrow it's blaring trumpets and crashing walls and Jericho, so it seems you're on the right track.

Milk comes next and you've got your fingers crossed for that miraculous milk coma.  You let the feasting continue for a good thirty minutes before breaking the latch and checking out the sleep situation with the light from your iPhone.  Eyes are closed and things are looking golden, until the eyes are suddenly wide open and things are looking rather dark and dreary.

Off to the couch you go, to watch Mad Men while your baby coos at a bumble bee doll for 5 hours, blissfully unaware that it is 2:00 am.  You're not off-duty, though, because you have to settle a few cries every now and again with the following methods:

diaper change 

the boob

vigorous bouncing on the knee

rocking

walking

finger pacifier

swing

bouncy chair

500 other things that do nothing to induce sleep

And in the rare event that baby falls asleep and you place her ever-so-gently into her crib...

she wakes up as soon as you get under the covers and close your bloodshot eyes.  

After an hour or so of failed back-to-sleep attempts, you head back to the living room and repeat.  Or, if you're feeling especially sleep deprived, you may try to cosleep, which inevitably begins with, "I love cuddling with my sweet baby!" but inevitably ends with you sleeping on the last inch of the bed while the baby licks your armpit.

Suddenly it's 11:30 am, you're exhausted, covered in milk, half naked, you don't know what day it is, but you somehow know exactly how many minutes you slept and ponder how awesome 4 hours of sleep feels when it's not spread out over 12 hours.  

Worn Down

Sometimes, a girl just needs to cry.

It's amazing what a good a meltdown can do for a person.  A hearty, hysterical cry, muffled by a pillow and accompanied by tears can really add emotional miles to a car that is quickly running out of gas.

Take me, for instance.  I love my gig as a baby momma and full-service diner, but this burger joint ain't gonna run without a fresh shipment of potatoes and red meat.  (Or something.)  Anyways, this momma needs sleep every now again, but it sure is hard to come by when it's being rationed by a milk-aholic with a temper.

My little munchkin with a dairy abuse problem is a perfect candidate for Boob-Monster-Itis.  She has all the symptoms: neck cheese, wrist rolls, white tongue, occasional milk coma, and, most notably, baby insomnia.

It was the baby insomnia that led to the mommy meltdown.  Three months of sleep deprivation coupled with a week of no naps, midnight bedtimes, milk fixes every 1-3 hours, and the glint of tiny eyeballs in the moonlight finally broke the camel's back.  The mother needed to cry, too.

So thank goodness for grandmothers, who rock crying babies to sleep while bigger babies do the same.

I feel so much better now!

...

I try my darndest to talk about things other than Clara's sleep problems, but the fact of the matter is, I am consumed by sleep deprivation, day dreaming about sleep, and trying to put Clara to bed for hours upon hours each day, so I'm not very interesting.  But please don't mistake my longing for sleep as ungratefulness.  I love this little girl so much, especially her sweet (much sweeter than mine) demeanor in the middle of the night.

(Hopefully this blog will get more exciting when I get more sleep!)

My Insomniac

I said I wouldn't complain about the sleepless nights...

but I lied.

I am a big fat liar.  

Ask my Facebook updates every morning at 3:00 am how I feel about the world.  

Or, better yet, don't, unless you want to see how selfish and ungrateful I can be.

The thing is, it's really hard to be a nice person when you're exhausted.

And I really want to be a nice person, since I spend every moment with a precious, innocent being that is perfect in every way.  I don't want my frustration to rub off on her or for her to somehow feel like I don't like her.  I want her to always know how much I love her, how I would wake up 47 times a night for the rest of my life if that's what it took to keep her.

(No promises that I wouldn't complain about sleep deprivation, though.)

It's tough to be tired, to spend more time each day trying to put a baby to sleep than all of your other activities combined.  But this isn't some job where I sit at a desk and pull staples for hours on end.  (True story.)  This is motherhood, a job that is eternal, yet fleeting.  I am the keeper of Clara's memories.  I am the one that changes all the diapers, quiets all the cries, and gives away my everything.

I love her so much that sometimes I pick her up just to squeeze her, to try to remember how she smells.  I often find myself wishing that I could bottle up my memories and later relive them, like Dumbledore.  I tell her over and over how much I love her, even though I know that she doesn't understand those words yet, somehow hoping that she can absorb my meaning and carry it with her as she grows.

On those exhausting nights (like tonight) when she stops eating and I hope that she is asleep, she looks back at me with bright eyes and gives me a smile that's bigger than the world.  She has the greatest capacity for love and forgiveness... I want to be like her.

I read a quote today that said something like, "Enjoy getting to know your children while they're young, because you will spend the rest of eternity with them as adults."  This thought makes me want to try so much harder, to cherish every mundane moment.  And the only thing that makes this thought bearable is the hope that I will have a perfect memory in the eternities, so perfect that I will be able to recall every detail of my sweet Clara.

I will try to remember all of this tonight at 3:00 am.