Home Alone

Last night was a very lonely, but mostly scary, night.

It was the first night that I have spent alone since the Husband and I tied the knot. To put it mildly, I HATED every second of being alone, at night, in an apartment with too many noises and shadows.

Steps I took to sleep soundly/make the night pass quickly/protect myself from rapists/murders:

1. Stay up really late moving around nursery furniture and almost put yourself into pre-term labor, all in the off chance that you will pass out from exhaustion, without any opportunity to think about sexual offenders.

2. Lock both locks on the front door for double protection.

3. Check all of the windows to make sure that they are securely fastened. Also, seal up all the blinds and curtains so no creepers can peek at you while you’re sleeping or heading to the bathroom for your midnight pee.

4. Lock yourself in the master bedroom.

5. Pull up the telephone keypad on your iPhone, so that you don’t have worry about the stupid thing freezing while you’re desperately trying to dial 911.

6. Consider putting your husband’s pistol on the nightstand, where it is easily accessible, but decide against that, because you’re afraid of accidentally shooting yourself or your husband, if he should surprise you by coming home a day early. Decide to leave the pistol in its case, but place it on your side of the bed, where you can hide and prepare to shoot while the intruder breaks down the bedroom door.

7. Turn off the bedroom light and say some prayers for protection, comfort, and quick sleep.

8. Lay down and touch your husband’s side of the bed with longing.

9. Suddenly wonder whether or not you should turn on the porch light to scare away serial killers. Consult the wide world of Google, only to find mixed opinions on whether or not the porch light will protect against violent assault. Decide that you should leave the porch light off, in case a predator has been watching for any change in behavior.

10. Feel okay about your decision to keep the porch light off, since the crazy cat lady has her light on.

11. Try really hard not to imagine your untimely and gruesome death as you fall asleep.

...

Needless to say, these tips were golden, as I was very much alive this morning when my phone alarm sounded.  That, or I shouldn't have worried about being murdered in the first place.

We will never know.

30 weeks